Be Sirius!
by Celestial Summer
Summary: Sirius Black's twisted adventures...read at your own risk!
1. Siriusly in Denial

**Siriusly in Denial**

"Sirius I'm gay," said Remus slowly, trying not to use big words.

"No you're not," said Sirius stubbornly.

"Er…yes I am," Remus replied.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Yes," Sirius said quickly.

"No," Remus screamed, exasperated. "Wait—I mean—"

"Ha!" Sirius called to his friends retreating back.


	2. Sirius Exposes the Marauders

**Sirius Exposes the Marauders**

Sirius was sitting alone in his room, trying to block out his earlier conversation. He looked up as James sauntered in.

"Sirius…I have to talk to you," James began.

"What, are you gay too?" Sirius exclaimed, clapping a hand to his perfectly shaped mouth. "OMG Does Lily know?"

James turned a deep shade of red and began to make the noise you make when you die. "No, you prat, I'm not gay."

Just then, Peter walked in.

"Oh, come _on_, I already knew about you!" Sirius moaned dramatically.

Peter squeaked and ran out of the room like a little girl.


	3. Sirius Thinks It's A Joke

**Sirius thinks it's a Joke**

Sirius walked into the common room and sat by the fire. Remus put away the letter he was writing to Orlando Bloom.

"Hi Sirius," Remus said.

"Hey Remus! Say, that was a funny little joke you played on my yesterday!" Sirius laughed, slapping his knee.

Remus groaned. "Sirius, that wasn't a joke."

"Ha! There you go again!" Sirius said, clapping Remus on the shoulder.

Remus angrily tore out of the common room, leaving the Orlando Bloom letter. Sirius picked it up.

"I think you're very hot and you have the nicest ass I've ever seen. You have chiseled abs and stunning features…" Sirius read aloud. "OMG Remus loves me!"


	4. Sirius Accepts It

**Sirius Accepts It**

Sirius took a deep breath. "Remus, I've thought about it, for like, ten minutes, and I've decided to accept the fact that you're….that you're ga---….that you're ga-ga-ga….that you're a homo. I figured if I could accept that whole werewolf thing, this….ga-ga-ga-ga…thing isn't so bad."

Remus smiled with relief. "That's nice to know Sirius."

"Just…don't get any ideas. 'Cause I don't swing that way," Sirius warned.

"Don't worry, Sirius. I won't," Remus said.

"What…so you're saying I'm not pretty?" Sirius screamed, affronted.

Later that day, when James caught Sirius posing in front of the mirror, he thought that both his friends were gay.


	5. Sirius Goes to the GAY Bar

**Sirius goes to the Great Alley Yonder Bar**

Remus and Sirius walk into a bar. Unfortunately for Sirius, it's a gay bar.

"OMGWTF Remus where did you bring me?" Sirius screamed as soon as he saw the place.

"Shuttup Sirius," Remus hissed, waving to the bartender. "Let's just sit down at the bar."

Sirius sat down and began to wipe down the counter and glasses, even the peanuts with a sanitary wipe.

"What are you doing?" Remus asked.

"I don't want to catch the gay," Sirius replied, holding his glass up to the light.

"Homosexuality isn't a disease, Sirius," Remus replied impatiently.

"Then why is it spreading like one?" Sirius countered, making a look of disgust as he threw the sanitary wipe in the trash.

Remus groaned as the bartender set down a glass in front of him. "This just came from that slice of heaven over there," he said, winking at Remus.

Remus smiled and waved at the handsome man who sent him the drink. Sirius made a loud noise in the back of his throat.

"What?" Remus asked. "You send drinks to girls all the time!"

"That is _so _rude," Sirius persisted. "How does he know we're not together?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "What do you want me to do about it?"

Sirius looked down at the bar. "I dunno…just put your arm around me and give him a dirty look."

Remus obliged but mouthed the words _we're not together _at the handsome man who grinned.


	6. Sirius Goes Back to the GAY Bar

**Sirius goes back to the Great Alley Yonder Bar**

"Remind me why we're here again?" Sirius said, poking Remus.

"I have a _date,_" Remus corrected. "Now be a good boy and sit by the bar. Don't say anything offensive or…just don't say anything at all."

Sirius nodded and sat back down at the bar. The bartender pushed a basket at Sirius, filled with something.

Sirius pushed the dish back. "No thanks, man. I don't eat contaminated food."

A bald man with a strawberry daiquiri blew a kiss at Sirius and said, "Those are like the _best _chicken fingers ever! Just try one!"

Sirius shuddered but ate one. Then another. Soon the whole basket was empty. Sirius kept eating chicken fingers until Remus grabbed him by the collar and forced him out of the bar while he screamed like a little girl.


	7. Sirius Has a Problem

**Sirius has a Problem**

"I don't have a problem," said Sirius angrily in response to this title.

"Yes you do," Remus replied, pointing to the numerous empty baskets of chicken fingers scattered around Sirius' bed and the crumbs on the floor. "Admitting it is the first step."

"I _don't _have a problem," Sirius replied.

"You've got barbecue sauce all over your face."


	8. Naming Body Parts

**Sirius is an Artist**

"Hey, Lily, do you want to see a picture I drew of you?" Sirius asked his friend as he flipped through a sketchbook.

"Sure, Sirius," said Lily, taking the book from him. "OMG Sirius did you draw that? It's fantastic…it looks just like me!"

Sirius nodded, looking over her shoulder. "Wait!" he said. "Remus drew that one." Sirius flipped the page. "That's the one I drew."

Lily looked at the picture of two stick figures. "Oh," she said.

"Yeah. It took me like, two hours, to finish the shading on your upper lip."


	9. Sirius is an Artist

**Naming body parts**

James had just beaten Sirius up after he made a stupid joke, which he does often.

"Jeez!" Sirius said, clutching his neck. "I think you ripped Herman off."

"Who's Herman?" Lily asked, puzzled.

"The mole on my neck," Sirius replied. "What?" he added at Lily's look. "James named his---"

"Sirius!" James said, clearing his throat and blushing.

Remus snorted. "It's a good thing I don't name my body parts."

"Yes you do," Sirius countered. He pulled out a notebook. "It says so in your diary."

"I don't keep a diary, Sirius," Remus replied, narrowing his eyes.

"Then what's this?" Sirius asked, waving the notebook.

Remus looked at the cover. "Sirius…that's your potions notebook."

Sirius flipped through it. "Then why aren't there any _notes _in it?"

James clapped Sirius on the back. "You don't take notes."

"Oh," Sirius said.


	10. Sirius Gets a Pet

**Sirius gets a Pet**

Sirius was walking back from Quidditch when he found a little cat.

_How cute! _Sirius thought. _I'll name you _Little James.

The cat mewed in response.

"Hopefully," Sirius said, "You won't turn out like my other pets. Like my fish, ferret, tarantula, rabbit, turtle, hermit crab, toad, mouse…"


	11. Sirius Looses His Pet

**Sirius looses his Pet**

Little James was scratching Sirius on the face while he was trying to sleep.

"Jeez," Sirius said. "Just get out of here."

So Little James jumped out the window.

"Oh snap," said Sirius.


	12. Sirius Confuses Us All

**Sirius confuses us all**

"Sirius, what's wrong?" asked Lily.

"Little James is gone…gone!" Sirius cried. "He jumped out the window."

"OMGWTF James!" Lily said, running off.

James walked into the room. "Hey, Sirius, I'm going to be off at a Quidditch Tournament. Tell everyone?"

"GONE!" Sirius shouted. "I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!"

James backed away slowly to go to a Quidditch Tournament.


	13. James' Funeral Service

**James' Funeral Service**

Everyone was crying because Sirius organized a funeral for (little) James. Sadly, no one knew that it was a cat.

"James was…amazing," Lily said through a handkerchief. "I wish I could talk to him again…"

Everyone nodded. Sirius let out a sob.

"James was an excellent seeker and really smart," Remus said. "If there's anything we should learn about this, its that life is precious and short and we should cherish it. Sirius? Do you…want to say a few words?"

Sirius dried his eyes with a handkerchief. "Little James was my best friend," he began.

Lily buried her face in her hands.

"And we shared a lot of good times together. I'll never forget the time he scratched my face…"

"Huh?" said Peter.

"And the way he used to lick me…"

Remus began to cough uncontrollably.

"Sometimes, we would stay up…and I would pet him. He was so soft. I loved the way his tail hit me in the face when I was trying to study…"

Lily's mouth had fallen open and she was staring.

"And his breath sometimes smelled of sardines," Sirius finished, sniffing.

No one said anything.

"He was the best cat ever!" Sirius screamed at the mob like crowd.

And that's how Sirius got that scar on his face.


	14. So

**Soo…**

"Sooo…did you miss me?" James asked when he got back form his Quidditch Tournament. Sirius was in the hospital wing.

"I don't want to talk about it," Sirius muttered.


	15. Lily's Apology

**Lily's apology**

"Sirius," Lily said, sitting on the edge of his bed. "Are you still mad at me?"

"Maybe," Sirius sniffed, turning away.

Lily frowned. "I'm sorry I told the crowd to kill you…I was just in the heat of the moment. And sorry about trying to kick you in the groin. And sorry about hexing your face. And sorry and poking you in the eye. And sorry my apology is so long. So I brought you some school books." Lily put the school books on Sirius' lap.

"OMGWTF Lily! First you try to kill me and then you bring me school books!" Sirius screamed. "Bitch!"


	16. Hospital Wing Entertainment

**Hospital Wing Entertainment**

"You must be bored out of your mind," James said. "No quidditch, no nothing…"

"It's okay…I've got James," Sirius said, staring out the window.

James thought his friend had lost it. "See, man, you've got to get some fresh air. _I'm _James!"

Sirius pointed outside. "That's James and that's Lily," Sirius remarked about two squirrels on a branch.

"Wow," James said, following Sirius' gaze. "How long have they been doing that?"

"Couple days," Sirius remarked.

"Tell you what, I'm a little jealous," James said bitterly, cocking his head. "Look at James go."

Sirius nodded. "Indeed…"


	17. How Long?

**How long?**

"Guys?" Remus said, turning the corner to the hospital wing. "Oh…there you are…" he said, seeing James and Sirius sitting on the bed and staring out the window. "What are you doing?"

"Watching the squirrels, Rem," James said quickly. "Take a seat."

"Guys! You can't just watch them…do _that…_all the time!" Remus said indignantly. "It's wrong!"

"I think he's taunting me," Sirius remarked. He threw a piece of popcorn at the squirrels.


	18. Sirius Needs A Job

**Sirius Needs A Job**

"I need a job," Sirius announced after he left the hospital wing. The marauders were all sitting outside.

"Why don't you go back to being a gigolo?" Remus said quietly.

"OMGWTF Remus, she just left the money! What was I _supposed _to do!" Sirius screamed in a rather high-pitched-like voice.


	19. The Completely Implausible Situation

**Sirius and the Completely Implausible Situation**

Sirius was walking down the streets in a completely impossible way, being that he is fictional and that the streets he was walking down were in the year of 2001. Apparently, he fell through a plot hole.

All of a sudden, Sirius was hit by a limo. "Oh, snap," said Sirius angrily as he dusted his hair off and the door to the limo opened.

"Are you alright?" said the man in the car. Sirius made a face at the man's butt-ugly face and fake orange hair.

"No," snapped Sirius before holding his palms out to the man. "I blister you asshole."

The man looked taken aback. "Why don't you sit in here for a moment and I'll make you a proposition."

Sirius considered it, and seeing champagne, accepted.


	20. Sirius is going to be Huuge

**Sirius is going to be Huuge**

"So, if a lawyer asks, what happened, Sirius?"

Sirius nodded, fishing the cherry out of his drink. "I was being reckless and irresponsible on my skateboard when I collided with you."

"Good," the man said, nodding his fake orange head. "I like you."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Good to know," he said flatly.

"How would you like a job with my new show, _The Intern_?" the man asked, pursing his lips and folding his hands. "You'll be the star."

"The…star?" Sirius repeated, dumbfounded.

"Yes," the man said. "I'm Donald Trump, and like everything I own, you're going to be _huuge."_

"Own?" Sirius said quietly.


	21. Sirius on the Job

**Sirius on the Job**

"Okay, Sirius, I want you to fire Katie," Donald Trump said. "Tell her she sucks."

"Wait…" Sirius said, "The blonde? But she's _hot._ I can't fire a hot chick." Sirius pouted.

"Do it or your ass is mine," Donald Trump said.

"_Fine,_" Sirius growled, sitting in his special chair in the board room. Suddenly, the tapes were rolling.

"Mkay…" Sirius began, looking at the two girls before him. One, Katie, was a blonde bombshell. The other, Agnes, was not. Agnes smiled charmingly at Sirius…he winced. "So…one of you chi—women is going to get fired. And I thought about it for like…ten minutes…and I'm going to fire…" Sirius looked: Katie or Agnes? Duh. "Agnes."


	22. Sirius is Fired

**Sirius gets fired**

"Whaaat!" Donald Trump said. "Cut!"

He ran onto the stage and yanked Sirius out of his seat by the tie. "You were supposed to fire _Katie._"

"Katie? I thought you said Agnes," Sirius remarked calmly.

"They sound nothing alike!" Trump yelled.

Sirius considered this for a moment before his was roughly thrown back into the chair.

"Sirius," he began. "You're fired." As he said fired, his hand struck out in a snake like motion. Sirius cringed and vanished back into his plot hole.


	23. Sirius Makes A Bet

**Sirius still doesn't have a job**

"I still don't have a job," Sirius remarked as he fixed his hair the next morning. "I'm almost out of gel."

Remus cringed. "You better find one soon. Remember the last time he ran out of hair gel, James?"

"I'm still trying to forget," James said wistfully, thinking of Lily. "Do you think she wears cotton or satin underwear?"

"James, that's disgusting, I can't believe you'd—"

"Care to put money on it?" Sirius perked up, thinking of his hair gel.

"That's even worse, Sirius---"

"How much?" James said considering.

"I can't believe you're going to—" Remus continued to protest.

"Twenty sickles."

"I'm leaving," Remus announced, standing up. "It's a complete invasion of privacy."

"Eh, whatever. It's not like James is going to find out on his own."


End file.
